


listen before i go

by Wildehack (tyleet)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, M/M, canon typical suicidal ideation, fixit, fucking martyrs, post TMA 151
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 21:03:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20442506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyleet/pseuds/Wildehack
Summary: Statement of Martin Blackwood, assistant to Peter Lukas. Statement discovered in an envelope taped to the underside of Martin’s old desk in the Archives. I don’t know how long it’s been there. I don’t know--I’m just going to read it.





	listen before i go

**Author's Note:**

> there aren't really any spoilers for TMA 151 in here, except that i sat down immediately after listening to TMA 151 and wrote this. my poor heart.

[RECORDING BEGINS]  


THE ARCHIVIST   
_ (hoarsely) _

  
Statement of Martin Blackwood, assistant to Peter Lukas. Statement discovered in an envelope taped to the underside of Martin’s old desk in the Archives. I don’t know how long it’s been there. I don’t know--  
  
I’m just going to read it. 

  
THE ARCHIVIST  
_ (in a horribly familiar voice) _

Hi, Jon.  
  
I’m not putting this to tape. Well, there is one going, but I think all it’s getting of me is pen-scratching noises and the occasional sound of tea-drinking, so. I’m not putting this to tape, because I can’t risk you hearing this before I’m ready. Also I’d...rather not be compelled, even by myself. Even by accident.  
  
I promised myself I’d tell you everything. And I think I have to do it now, or one way or another, I won’t be able to.  
  
You know I’ve been working with Peter. You’ve heard--some of the tapes, you know we’re trying to stop the Extinction. Save the world. Thank you, by the way. For trusting me. Basira mentioned that’s why you’ve been--why.  
  
God, I hate being this inarticulate. You’d think I’d be better at it, what with the pen in my hand, and all the time I’ve had to think of what to say. 

Yeah, right, so, you know about the Extinction, and you know Peter has a plan to stop it. We’re going to stop it. Peter has a plan, and I’m touched by the Eye and claimed by the Lonely, and I’m going to wield whatever weapon of Gertrude’s or Elias’s it is that Peter’s got his hands on, and we’re gonna stop the end of the world.  
  
And I’m probably not coming back from it. Whether that’s because I won’t make it out, or because whatever makes it out won’t be _ me, _ but--either way, I’m not coming back.  
  
That’s fine with me. It is.  
  
I think Tim had it right after all?  
  
This place was never gonna let us go. Never let us, uh, die of old age. And I signed my contract ages before you did, so don’t start blaming yourself or anything. You didn’t even want to take me down from Research--Elias made you do it. Yeah, I knew about that. You were never as professional as you thought you were. Or as much of a closed book. My point is, though, that--this place. Beholding, or just Fear itself--it’s had me for a long time. 

And Tim got to go out on his own terms, didn’t he? I want that. I don’t want to be like poor Michael Shelley, not even knowing what all the suffering’s for. This is going to end me, and I’m deciding how. I’m deciding it’s worth it.  
  
So here’s the real reason I’m writing all this down. 

Don’t you dare waste it. I’ve decided you’re worth it, and I get to make that choice, and you have to respect that. You can’t go throwing your life away on nothing anymore. You’re going to do whatever it takes to come through. For me. Okay? You’re going to do that for me.  
  
I know it’s awful to put that on you, but I am, Jon. I’m putting that on you. 

Please stay safe. Please be all right.  
  
There. Okay. Sorry to end this on a--on a downer, I guess.   
  
Um, and you should get a cat. Sorry, that’s a non-sequitur, but when you were in hospital I found the tapes you recorded when you were staying with Georgie, and I just think you’d be a lot happier and more likely to take care of yourself if you had a cat. So you should do that.  
  
All right.  
  
Take care.  
  
Statement ends, I guess.  


_ [A short silence, then an ugly, choked sound from the Archivist. _]

THE ARCHIVIST 

I--

  
I, I don’t accept this.  
  
I _ won’t. _  


[_ A low whine of static begins, slowly growing more insistent _] 

  
THE ARCHIVIST

Where is Martin Blackwood?  
  
_Answer_ _me_, damn you.  
  
WHERE. IS. MARTIN. BLACKWOOD?  
  
  
_[The static snarls, and the Archivist lets out a pained shout] _

_ [END RECORDING _]

_ [RECORDING BEGINS] _

MARTIN  
(upset) 

  
\--shouldn’t have done it. 

  
THE ARCHIVIST  
_(obviously angry) _  


I don’t care.

  
  
MARTIN

  
It wasn’t your choice to make! 

  
THE ARCHIVIST

I am not letting you_ die _for me. 

_ [His voice cracks. Short pause.] _

MARTIN

Oh god you--found my letter. 

THE ARCHIVIST

I did.

  
  
MARTIN

You weren’t supposed to find it yet.  


  
THE ARCHIVIST

Martin, if I’d read that after it was too late, I’d’ve--

[_ He can’t even finish the sentence. Silence for a long beat. _]

MARTIN  
_ (softly) _

I shouldn’t have written it.

THE ARCHIVIST

  
Martin. 

MARTIN

  
It was selfish. A stupid indulgence. I can’t believe I-- 

  
  
THE ARCHIVIST  


_ Martin. _

MARTIN

\--And now what are we gonna do, Jon? Peter’s gone, we still don’t know what the weapon is, and the Extinction is almost here, and--

  
THE ARCHIVIST

Will you just--!

_ [Brief scuffling noise, then a shocked inhale and a barely voiced “Mmf.” _] 

MARTIN

Ah--you’re--are you--hugging me??

  
  
THE ARCHIVIST  
_(slightly muffled and irked)_

  
You can’t just. You can’t just tell me you’d, you’d die for me and then--not expect me to have any kind of reaction to that! 

MARTIN

That’s not what I was trying to do!

  
  
THE ARCHIVIST

I don’t want you to die for me. 

MARTIN   
_ (a bit short) _

I don’t _ want _to die for you, Jon, I was trying to save the world--

THE ARCHIVIST  
_ (no longer muffled) _

Well, don’t.

  
  
  
MARTIN

What? 

THE ARCHIVIST  
_(painful and sincere)_

Don’t save the world. Don’t--_ go _\--anywhere.

  
MARTIN  
_(softly this time)_

What? 

THE ARCHIVIST

We’ll figure it out, I swear. I know it’s been hopeless, but--we’ll do--I’ll do something. Or Basira will, or Melanie, or--do you know we haven’t even_ tried _ working together? Not really. Not since before the Unknowing, and--we have--different, better resources now. You can’t give up on us until we’ve _ tried _ it!

MARTIN

It’s not that easy. 

THE ARCHIVIST

  
  
  
Of course it’s not easy! Trusting other people is bloody difficult even when the world isn’t ending, but it’s still _ worth it _ . What is the _ point _ otherwise!  
  
  
[ _ A soft, involuntary sound from Martin _.]

THE ARCHIVIST

Martin.  
  
Martin, I don’t want a bloody cat.  
  
If you want something to motivate me to take--take care of myself, you’re going to have to do the job yourself. 

MARTIN

  
Jon…  


  
  
THE ARCHIVIST  


Please. I failed--we lost T-Tim, and we lost Sasha, and I--can’t lose you. We need you. I need you. 

MARTIN  
_ (threadily, clearly on the edge of tears _) 

I’ve been trying my best. 

THE ARCHIVIST

I know you have.  
  
Please, just--just let us try _ with _ you. For a while. 

MARTIN

Okay.  
  
Okay, I--I’ll try. 

  
THE ARCHIVIST

Thank you. God, _thank you._

MARTIN

Could. Could you--? 

Could we do the--hugging thing again, or--?

_ [Immediate shuffle, a caught breath, then a long, low sigh _.]

THE ARCHIVIST  
_ (so quietly it’s almost inaudible) _

Thank god. 

_[END RECORDING]_


End file.
